Don't wanna fall in love (if you don't wanna try)
by lafantomette
Summary: Darvey story season 7 (because we're all trying to make sense of this Paula Harvey mess...)


_*Wrote this to a friend because we all have been trying to make sense of the big mess this Paula thing is. I am still extremely bitter that they kinda ruined a great woman character like this, turning her into a very unprofessional woman and somekind of plot device. But seems like we are stuck with it so here we go... Decided to share it here. -Fantomette_

* * *

"Please stop," she says, her hand pushing firmly on the crisp fabric of his white shirt.  
He had just started kissing her, like he has been doing for the past few weeks every time he found her waiting for him to come back to work, sitting on his leather couch. He wonders what he did wrong.  
"What's wrong?" He asked it fully realizing he wasn't interested in hearing her answer. Still hovering over her on the couch, he just wanted go on with what he had in plans tonight.  
So then, his dreams would not be inhabited by warmth and shades of red or coffee that taste like vanilla.  
"Listen Harvey…" She pulls herself in a sitting position and pushes him even farther, making him sit too."We can't no longer be three people in this relationship."  
He swallows thickly, fearing what might come next.  
"I waited for you all evening. I had to text five times and you never replied. Then you finally arrived saying you had to work on some things with Donna."  
"Hey." He tries a grin, the Specter-smile can win, right? " You know she's C.O.O. We had to..."  
"Stop." She closes her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I've had enough. Don't you think I know she's Chief Operating Officer? Beside yourself, she's your unique conversation topic. She's all you talk about, Harvey. It's you and Donna. You OR Donna. But sorry Harvey, I can't have sex with you after you come late and talk about Donna this and Donna that. You are telling me all about HER day but you never ask about MY day."  
His mind is weirdly blank right now as he's staring at her.  
It's probably all true. And that's exactly what he's been trying to escape all along.  
Slowly the feeling washes over him, he feels anxious, slightly panicking.  
Somehow, he feels like he must defend himself. "I can't really ask about your day because you're bound to secrecy, your sessions are ..."  
"Ohhhhhh Bullshit." She rolls her eyes. "That's such a bullshit lawyer excuse Harvey!"  
This isn't going well and he has to change tactic.  
"Are you saying you are jealous? But Paula you are the one I go to every night, you are the..."  
"The one who has to listen to all your Harvey and Donna stories. I let my stupid fantasies lead the way but when I met her and she talked about you I should have known. In fact, I think I knew it." She starts laughing nervously and stands up.  
"She what?" He's utterly confused. He stands up too facing her, trying to stay calm. She's staring at him, not even crying.  
"I'm not sure I understand," he says after a few seconds.  
"I played you. I knew you had a thing for her. I knew she had a thing for you. Clearly by what you told me in therapy it was easy to understand: you want her. But your issues prevent you from risking what you two have for what you could have. I didn't lie to you but I didn't tell you everything." Her tone is serious and he's never been more afraid of words coming out of a woman's mouth than he is now.  
"When you told me the woman in your dream was Donna and I told you it was your mother, well, your mother and the pain she caused you is only what stops you from being with Donna."

It's a lot to process even if none of this surprises him, like deeply he knew it and that's what he tried to push aside for so long. Avoiding. He knows all he's been doing was avoiding his true feelings. His feelings for someone else.

He shakes his head, he can't let her take all the blame. "I'm the one who went after you Paula. I like being with you, you make me feel…good."  
"No. You don't understand Harvey. I saw her after your last therapy session. She thanked me for helping you. She said you had no idea what you are missing." She inhales deeply. "But I should have told her that you do... And now all I see every day is that you know what you are missing. She's on your mind every second of the day and I will never fill that void."  
She digs out the key of his condo from her purse and puts it in his palm.  
"I can't be your distraction anymore. It was fun for a while. But I can't. You are transferring...Harvey I'm not Donna."  
He can't even move.  
Donna told Paula he had no idea what he's missing.  
That can only mean there's something to miss.  
Is she...?  
She smiles. "See? I'm leaving you and I'm sure you are thinking about her right now. I can't even call you a jerk because I knew it even before our first date. Goodbye Harvey."  
"Stop." As she passes by him he takes her hand and pulls her into a hug. He's always been an idiot and maybe now it's time to stop being one.  
"I'm really sorry," he says at last.  
"Please don't call me," she asks before leaving.

* * *

She thinks it's strange that he's been bringing coffees to her every day for the last three weeks, that charming grin on his face as he walks into her office. She doesn't think much of it until he tells her she's beautiful. At first, she thinks maybe she misheard him, but then he touches the tip of her hair and it's an invisible line they never crossed, not since The Other Time when he told her how beautiful she was and that he could spend a lifetime playing with her hair and kissing her. Words that shouldn't have been spoken as he disappeared the next morning.  
In her office, she escapes his touch by standing up. She walks around her desk, quickly closing the door because clearly, they need to talk. Not that she wants to but she should set clear boundaries. She doesn't know what game he's playing right now.  
"Ok. Tell me now," she says facing him. "Have you found some way to buy my part into the firm, Harvey? Are you trying to soften the blow?"  
He tilts his head on the side and offers a small grin. "No I'm just...being nice."  
"I know you, you don't play nice unless you want something. Jesus Christ Harvey! Stop your stupid games and tell me!"  
"Maybe I just want to be nice to you," he replies sharply this time, "is this so hard to believe?"  
"I don't believe you! You have something to ask so please just say it!"  
"God! Can you just let me be nice to you!"  
"No. Bullshit. Tell me," she yells.  
"Dammit Donna!" He shuts his eyes and bites his lips, balling his fists.  
"I don't want any of your coffee or you walking into my office unless it's to tell me what you've been up to!"  
"YOU!" He yells in a panic. "What I fucking want is YOU!"  
She slaps him across the face so fast and so hard her palm immediately hurts. She didn't think. It's like her whole body thought he deserved it. After the gesture, her mind agrees and she resists the urge to slap him again, digging her nails into her palms.  
She expects him to take a step back but there he is, taking a step forward. She raises her palms to stop him from going further.  
"Don't you dare say that when you are dating..."  
"We broke up! It seems I'm not boyfriend material because I can only talk about myself or YOU."  
"Me?" she feels her knees weaken.  
"You," he repeats more calmly. "Apparently other women don't like hearing about my favorite topic which is my favorite redhead."  
She laughs nervously. "You are not funny. Harvey... This is not..."  
He takes another step and he takes her fists in his hands.  
Oh shit...  
"I know what I'm missing. Donna, what I've been missing all my life is you."  
"Harvey this isn't a romantic comedy," she counters weakly. But he's pulling her even closer now, and she would like to slap him again because he deserves it, he so deserves it, but his breath his on her lips and before she can disagree he pulls her into a kiss.  
Her mind is saying no-no-no but clearly her body disagrees, working on autopilot as she drags her fingers into his hair, behind his neck pushing his face even closer and as much as she spent more than a decade telling herself she doesn't want him with all his flaws and weaknesses, she's never wanted someone more than she wants him.  
"I hate you," she breathes out after the kiss.  
"I know. I hate me too. But that's what I've been trying to do. Redeem myself. I don't deserve you and never will but let's face it: I love you. Always did. Always will. So, let's deal with it even if you hate me."  
"Harvey. We can't date, this is such a bad idea…We shouldn't." She knows she doesn't make any sense.  
"It's okay but now you know I'm done running away and I will be there for you until you change your mind. I'll make myself worthy..."  
Truth is, he had hurt her bad and she still needed some healing. And she needed to trust that he was finally all in and willing to try. She kissed the bruise her hand had made on his cheek and told him to keep trying...


End file.
